Journalism is a style of writing used to report news and current events. The basics of good journalism come down to grabbing the readers’ attention, being descriptive, and answering the “big” questions that everyone wants to know, the WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY, AND HOW of an event.
For this week’s blog you are going to write a news story parody by describing a comedic event you witnessed or heard about over Thanksgiving break. Using a journalistic style, report the story as if it is a news item (i.e. The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, etc.). That means, you must answer the big questions above to tell your readers what happened. You also have to write it in a way that will capture our attention; perhaps using a big headline or an interesting first line/lead.
Posts are to be 300-400 words and are due Monday, 12/16/13.
Devin Decker
ReplyDeleteMr. Tombasco
ELA 10
12/12/13
Breaking News! A robbery took place in on Front Street in Deposit New York on December first. This was not any ordinary robbery though. It showed how stupid some people really are. After the man was arrested we sat down and had talked to him, hoping to find out the whole story. Let’s just say it was not a really hard case to figure out. He said it all started when he was just sitting in his all alone and depressed. His girlfriend had left him and she worked, unlike him, so he did not have any money. He was sick of eating the same thing all the time at home and not having any money to buy good food. He finally got sick of it and decided to just start stealing food. He would wear a big winter jacket and throw all the food into the large pockets. He thought it was a great idea because it would not be very suspicious since it was winter and freezing out. The first two days he made out good and stole some little stuff like bread, chips, and other small things. He figured that the workers in the store were getting suspicious so he decided to take a break for a little while. A week passed and he was out of food so he decided to walk down to the Big M supermarket and steel some bread. He stole it with no problem. He ate the bread, but minutes later he realized he was starting to get sick. He examined the bread and realized there was a lot of mold on it. He was very sick and angry. He called 911 and complained that his stolen bread was moldy, and that the store should be shut down and he should get his money back, and some interest. He is now behind bars.
Jessica Bolster
ReplyDeleteMr. T
Blog
12/12/13
Deer Crossing Safety!!
Who knew the deer actually knew the signs were for them.
What Donna discovered
Donna finally noticed that the three times that she hit a deer was near one of those deer crossing signs was.
Our station recently got a report from Donna. Donna is really concerned with the safety of the deer in the states of North Dakota. She says they are placing signs on the interstate to tell the deer to cross there! She thinks this is very terrible of us humans to tell the deer to cross at such a high traffic area.
What Donna thinks should be done
Donna thinks the signs should be moved to the school zone where there is less traffic! Of course why didn’t people think of this sooner. The deer actually listen to the humans as to where they should cross roads, who knew!! Well now we should report this to the president what a great idea Donna.
Attention! Breaking news reports a police officer confiscating marijuana from a drug dealer and bringing them home to his wife to make pot brownies. This comical but unusual event happened in Michigan.
ReplyDeleteThe cop has been a town police officer for over 10 years but feels like disobeying the law for once. The police officer found the drug dealer standing on the corner doing his "job" and walked over to him and confiscated him of all his drugs. Though, the police officer did not arrest him or even give him a ticket of some sort, he just let the man walk away. Later that night when the police officer got off duty, he brought the marijuana home and had an idea what to do with it. He decided that him and his wife were going to make "pot brownies" . They did so at their house in Michigan. A few hours later, the police officer called 911 while he was high. He proceeded in telling the 911 operator that he felt as though he was dying and time was going by very very slow. At this time the 911 operator did not know he was a town police officer. After their long and odd conversation, the operator sent help to his house because he sounded really messed up. When the other police and help arrived at his house, him and his wife were passed out on the floor. Then did the other police realize that he was one of their town cops.
After a few days the cop was not held for any charges of the marijuana or letting the drug dealer go. In fact he didn't get into any trouble at all and the other police officers thought it was funny and a lesson learned. He is still a cop in the Michigan area.
*Permission given by Dean to use him as a character in my story*
ReplyDeleteRyan Hornbeck
Tombasco
World Literature
12/12/13
Attention all! A man was spotted breaking into the village police station! The man was 5' 3" and around 100 pounds. The cameras had a picture of the man who broke in and it seems to be Dean Raymond.
Mr. Raymond can be seen travelling to the refrigerator in attempt to feed himself after starving from his efforts for the DCS wrestling team. Dean was so hungry during his struggles for food that he rubbed his fingerprints on all evidence in the station. Mr. Raymond was also seen eating all of the police officers donuts! This is a dark day for Dean.
After eating his fill, Dean began to come to his senses and thought it would be a good idea to try to hide the evidence that he had been at the crime scene. Dean can be seen looking at the window which he broke with a schoolbook inscribed with his name. Dean proceeded to write sticky notes saying, “Dean wuz knot hear!” and placed the sticky notes on every inch of the room. Dean crawled back out of the window and broke down the door to steal the keys to the station so that the police could not unlock the door. Dean was unable to understand that the police could get in the same way as he did or that they had their own sets of keys.
Dean was promptly arrested and sent to the scene of the crime to be investigated. When Dean arrived, he denied everything regardless of the fact that the cameras had video footage of him and fifty people witnessed him breaking and entering the police station. Dean said he had never seen any of the witnesses before even though video footage showed that he greeted and said farewell to each and every witness with an accent of Asian descent.
Breaking news! There have been recent reports about killer mutated goldfish. They are believed to have a rare case of extreme rabies. This causes them to grow extremely large teeth and for their bodies to multiply in size. In some cases, these goldfish have multiplied by one hundred times their body weight. A goldfish has been recovered from the Mississippi river that weighed five hundred pounds. This goldfish’s teeth were the size of a fully grown great white shark. It seems that these goldfish a spreading through all river systems, destroying everything in their path. They are eliminating all species of freshwater fish. Soon there food supply will be gone!
ReplyDeleteThis new information has just come in. Titanic III has sunk! The divers found a gigantic whole in the bottom of the ship. It appears to be in the shape of one of these goldfish’s teeth marks. There are no survivors from the wreck. The rabid goldfish must have adapted to salt water to find a new food supply. They are now moving on to eating people! These goldfish have destroyed every life form in the ocean. They are the only fish specimen left in the world. Could this be the end of humanity?
This could be the end! The goldfish have made another very extreme adaptation. They have grown lungs, legs, arms, and hands. These goldfish are the ultimate predator. Humans are the only source of food left for these goldfish. It won’t be long before we are all dead and the planet is overrun by giant, land walking, flesh eating, goldfish. Our military is not strong enough to defend us from these animals. They will soon be picking humans off by the hundreds of thousands. There is nothing that can be done. Spend these last waking hours with your family. I wish you the best of luck.
~Dean
5 Year-Old Girl Concerned About Wearing Her “Jammies” in Front of the Ambulance
ReplyDeleteDuring April of 2010 in Indiana there was a five-year-old girl who was on the phone with 911 dispatchers because her father was having a heart attack. She remained calm throughout the phone call and answered all of the questions. Yes, he was still awake. Yes, he was having chest pains. She went downstairs to unlock the front door for the EMT’s.
As the call continued Savanna, the young girl, explained to the dispatcher how her and her father were in their “jammies” and she was wearing a tank top. She told the dispatcher that she would need to change before the ambulance arrived, but she didn’t know what she would wear. Savanna assured the dispatcher that her father is awake still and that she was going to change into a new outfit. The 911 operator stressed how important it was that she stayed with her father to keep him awake. Savanna agreed to stay in the room but then started to tell the man on the phone about the dog that her and her father own. She told him how small he is and how he “kind of barks”. The young girl assured the dispatcher that LouLou was friendly and he would be gentle with the paramedics or whoever came in the ambulance. The dog was called over to speak into the phone. Savanna then told LouLou the dog what was happening to her father and that the ambulance was on the way, so LouLou shouldn’t worry. Savanna also told LouLou how she was in her “jammies” but she might have to go outside in a tank top. The EMT’s arrived shortly after.
Through all the comedy, the young girl did manage to save her father’s life. Savanna helped to comfort and care for her dad in a serious situation where most fiver-year-olds may have not known what to do. Everyone in the family is healthy and doing well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo6tb-vNAC4
Attention! There has been many small gangs forming in the area! These groups claim to be armed and dangerous. I advise all persons to be aware of these groups. These groups have started in Deposit and have slowly began to migrate to neighboring towns.
ReplyDeleteThese groups are VERY intimidating. Real gangsters for sure. Groups claim to be “wavey” at times. I don’t know about you but I sure don’t want my children to be involved in any dangerous gangs.
The police have made attempts to stop the gangs but have failed. Several acts of crime have been committed but no charges have been filed. These groups are also thought to be behind the acts of putting signs next to dead cats on the road saying “free cat”.
The acts of these groups shall be put to an end! Soon there may be violence such as robberies for food when these children have the munchies. All children have the munchies at some point. These children involved in dangerous activities may act irrationally.
If you are looking to avoid these gangsters they tend to act at night. Their frivolous activities are not condoned and need to be put to stop. The gangs lately have been arguing over turf that controls their gumball sales. According to the gangs if you mess with the gumball turf you’re asking for war.
The gangs will take actions very serious. Such as selling gumballs in rival gangs turf. this could cause a war. And if gangs were to take it as far as stealing the cotton candy of their counterparts. Well let’s just say there would never be an end to that.
These gangs should probably just calm down and go home and get a sugar rush off their own supply. This would keep them busy for a while longer and prevent any confrontations for at least a little while.
Man Calls Police on His 2 Year Old Son for Having Unsafe Scissors.
ReplyDeleteOn December 3rd John Smith calls 911 after walking into the living room and seeing his son James using a pair of sharp scissors. The man was afraid to approach because he didn’t want to get stabbed with the scissors. He immediately called the police to know what to do about it and they agreed that it was too unsafe to approach the child. They sent in their best officers to apprehend the child but the child got away after killing two of the officers with the scissors. James is currently being searched for across the country and is now on the FBI’s most wanted list. Many bodies have been found around North and South Dakota with puncture marks that authorities believe to be the act of the Scissor Killer.
Recently there have been sightings in parts of Europe and Asia. Australia is closing all its borders to prevent this child’s wrath in their country. So far there have been almost 500 kills that are associated to this crazed kid. If anybody sees James they should stay inside lock all of the doors and call the nearest police station.
John is currently in the process of suing his wife for allowing their son to use such dangerous scissors. He is also suing OfficeMax for having such dangerous weapons available to the general public. States across the nation are creating laws that require people to have permits to buy such dangerous tools. Any person find with any sharp objects without a permit will be immediately arrested and charged a 5,000$ fine for each sharp object found in their possession.
The war on Christmas has begun! Several, shall we say, political figures are very upset about the war on Christmas. One of these politicians, Sarah Palin, actually wrote a book about protecting Christmas. She also "leaves a Menorah on the table" during December so her children can learn about Hanukkah. Her children are probably learning so much about the Jewish religion because we all know that the Jews just leave the menorah out! Other politicians claim that Macys, yes Macys the store with a big sparkly "Believe” sign, is to blame. In an article on their website Macys mentions something about a "writing holiday lists for Santa”. Why holiday? Why not Christmas? Fox News says that since Hanukah ended in the beginning of December, using the term "holidays" isn't right. Not only that but now schools trying to ban Christmas carols because they may make children of other religions feel uncomfortable. HOW DARE THEY?! It makes me uncomfortable knowing that I can no longer skip down the streets singing “Jingle Bells” without being criticized. Fox News is actually calling these “challenges on religious freedom”. A "challenge on religious freedom"? Is my religious freedom slowly being taken from me? Whats next? After Bill O’Reilly reported this news several people contacted the district and which lead to the superintendent getting a few death threats. According to O’Reilly"Beyond all the controversy lies a much bigger secular progressive agenda." O'Reilly seems to think that this all part of a larger progressive cause. Although most of these politicians are telling us Christmas is a Christian holiday several elements of the holiday have been infused from other cultures Fox News' Megyn Kelly was reporting on an article written by an African American woman saying that Santa should be black when she said this“By the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white but this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa … Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change,".
ReplyDeleteFor starters, what kid is mature enough to be watching the 10:00 news but also innocent enough to still believe in Santa? And why is a grown woman so upset by this? So many questions are raised by these things but the biggest question is 'Will Christmas survive?'
Drunken man calls 911 for a ride to the liquor store!
ReplyDeleteFlorida resident, George McMurrain, a 57 year old man calls 911 three times to ask for a ride to get more alcohol. After the first two calls the dispatcher tells him not to call again, but he does and tells the dispatcher he needs a ride to the liquor store and the sheriff told him she would give him a ride. To this, the dispatcher told him he would have to call someone else for a ride because 911 can not give him a ride. He responded by saying again that the sheriff promised him a ride.
During the conversation with the 911 dispatcher he slurs every word and can barely be understood. The dispatcher tells the man every time he calls, they can not give him a ride to the liquor store. It was obvious the man was already quite drunk and there was no way he was driving himself to the store. All three of the conversations with the dispatcher were short, but long enough for the man to eventually be arrested. So he did up getting a ride it was just to jail not the liquor store.
-Hannah
Breaking News
ReplyDeleteDecember 15,2013
Today after getting almost a foot of snow there was a crime breaking in downtown Deposit. I young couple was out snowboarding down in Elk Mountain when a poor old man broke into their home on Orchard Street in Deposit Ny. This man was starving, so he decided to break into a house on a street where no one would see him. Knowing that the young couple was not home he bobby pinned himself into their home. After stealing enough food to last him months he decided that he would take a bath and invite his brother over. Well in the bathtub his brother showed up and decided to take a nap in the young couples bed. Not keeping track of time because the old man was so happy to be warm and clean he was still in the bathtub when the couple returned home.
The couple was tired from a long day, so the women went straight to the room, to find a creepy old man naked in their bed. She screamed as her husband ran in just as the man woke he yelled to his brother. The other old man came in naked after hearing his brother scream. Startled the naked old man yelled “Get out of my house before I call the police on you!” Confused the couple ran outside and called the police.
By the time the police came the old men were now dressed. The police explained to the old men that they did not live here and maybe they just got confused. After explaining this the police officer realized that he knew these old men. These men are the same guys who stole from everyone around town. Beware these guys are not locked up! Please if you find these men in your house call 911.
Man is shot during hunting season dressed like a deer
ReplyDeleteOn November 23rd Jordan Card was out hunting and he saw a white tail out in the distance. Of course his first instinct was to chase the deer if it was a deer. He then jumped out of his tree stand and started sprinting towards the deer with his knife in hand. Of course he had his gun by his side just in case he couldn’t catch it. While running he was making grunting noises to bring the deer back. He comes over the hill and sees the deer sprinting towards him. His first instinct is to throw the knife at it but, he does not. He lays down and army crawls towards the deer. He brings his loaded gun up and all you hear is a loud bang. The hunter is excited he just shot a deer. Jordan Card comes up to the deer to his prise possesion. He finds that the deer is actually his brother dressed like a deer.
Jordan Card shot his brother Bryan Hathaway. After it happened Jordan carried his brother home and told his parents what happened. Bryan was rushed to the hospital. When he got there he was dead. Jordan tried killing himself and he his parents sent him to a santitorium. He is expected to stay there for a ver long time
The reason for Bryan dressing up as a deer is still unknown. Although Jordan and his parents had some ideas. Bryan could of had a mental disability or he was trying to connect with the deer so he could kill it. Both brothers were avid hunters. It was some thing they shared together until Bryan's death. That family will never be the same because of the stupid careless Jordan Card.
Burglar Caught By Police After Accidentally Butt-Dialing 911.
ReplyDeleteA pair of burglars in McAlester,Oklahoma were robbing a house on the outskirts of town on friday night when one of them accidentally butt-dialed 911. There was nobody at home at the time. They stole jewelry, money, and a gun. The two of them were clueless of the phone call and kept on talking about the robbery. They were talking about what they needed to steal more of and describing the burglary.
“We’re good, I got enough jewelry, we’re good,” stated one of the men, according to the station.
They were able to make their way through the home and get away with the loot until they butt-dialed 911. Then, the police were able to trace the call and find one of the men in a pawn shop. He was attempting to sell the jewelry he stole. He faces a charge for second degree burglary on a twenty five thousand dollar bond. The other man has not been caught yet, he was able to flee the scene, but the police have been closing in on him.
“This is definitely one for ‘The World’s Dumbest Criminals’” said the Pittsburg County Sheriff Joel Kerns.
This isn’t the first time something like this has occurred. For example, in California last May, some suspects unwittingly called 911 and were discussing drug use and a robbery, Abc news reported. They were also arrested.
“This fool really called 911?” one person said, according to ABC.
In another case, a woman butt-dialed 911 when she was talking to someone about having a drug deal involving methamphetamine, NBC reported. This occurred in Oregon.
“I just can’t understand why you would have that in your phone close to where you would automatically dial that number,” the Pittsburg county sheriff said.
*This is a work of fiction*
ReplyDeleteIs Lincoln Park finally safe? July 28th, 2010 Antoine Dodson gave an interview on local television prompted by the report of a house intrusion and attempted rape of his sister, Kelly Dodson. Elizabeth Gentle, the news reporter who interviewed Dodson, commented on how loud and vigorous he was during the interview. The interview was soon after turned into a Auto-Tuned song that made it into Billboard's Top 100. The song actually aided in the search for the acclaimed “Bed Intruder.” People created signs and posters with pictures of Dodson on them, and even created the “Bed Intruder Search Gang” to aid in the assistance in his capture. Apparently this man really didn't know who he was messing with.
December 6th, 2013, almost 3 and a half years later, Jacob Morrisey (made up), was charged for intrusion and attempted rape in the Lincoln Park housing project of Huntsville Alabama, the same area where the Dodson family lives. Upon investigation Morrisey admitted to the crimes committed against Kelly Dodson years before. He claims “If I'm going down then people should know that I am the one and only Bed Intruder.” Morrisey was sentenced 12 years in prison, though he may agree to a shorter sentence if he agrees to be chemically castrated.
In case the Dodson's ever get the chance to see this report I have one final thing to say. He did climb in your window, he did attempt to snatch your people up. It was a smart choice that you hid your family members but it's okay now. We did look for him and we found him.
Kevin Latimer
ReplyDeleteTombasco
ELA 10
12-15-13
Florida Man Blames 'Magic 8 Ball' For Attempted Bank Robbery.
Michael Tropell, 38, attempted an unarmed robbery on the Tallahassee Bank of Justice on December 14th, 2013. This Floridian had an interesting approach on trying to obtain cash fast. Many people simply enjoying their lunches on this fine winter evening spared a few moments to be entertained, which at first, was thought to be a comedy act. Wearing all black attire, aside from the large white circle with an '8' inside of it on his back, Tropell approached the bank with uninterrupted confidence. Tropell then began to shout at the doors of the bank, demanding money immediately. He had thought his plan to be foolproof, as he thought he had 'magical powers' on his side.
Tropell's attempt was "downright humiliating," says witness Frank Hington. According to other Floridan citizens who had eye-witnessed the event, Tropell came without a gun or any sort of threatening weapon. Instead, he was seen talking to a 'Magic 8 Ball', which is a child's toy that basically responds to questions in a 'yes-no' format. Only minutes after Tropell's failed attempt did the police arrive. Without posing any sort of threat, Tropell was let off with a warning. He had this to say;
"...and directly after I purchased it, I asked it questions, like anybody would. Then the questions got more intense. I asked it if I should find a way to get more money. It replied with 'without a doubt.' I asked if I should get another job. It said 'it is doubtful.' Not sure about what that meant, I asked if there was an easier way, and it told me 'yes.' I asked if should just steal the money. I was told 'without a doubt.' But when I asked if I should bring a weapon, I was told 'no.' And then I was snatched by the troopers, and here I am. And now I know that I have to be more careful with its magic..." And careful he should be, careful in which children's toys he should purchase.
Man Falls Asleep on Airplane and Wakes Up Locked Inside.
ReplyDeleteA man named Bob Smith was traveling over the holiday to see his sister. His plan was to travel from California to Nebraska then have a layover and after fly from Nebraska to Michigan. On November 25th, Mr. Smith got on the plane to Nebraska and took his hat off and fell asleep due to being tired from the night before of packing. When he woke up several hours later, he woke up on a locked plane with the lights off and he started to panic. He called his wife and got his kid on the line and he told his four year old to give the phone to his mommy. His four year old laughed and hung up the phone. Mr. Smith was stuck on the plane for another hour until his wife called him to check and see if his flight was going okay. He then told his wife what happened and it took another half an hour to an hour to get someone to open up the plane for him.
When Mr. Smith finally got off the plane the flight attendant and pilot alerted the flight agency and they told airline. The airline bought Mr. Smith a gift basket which contained sausage and expensive chocolates and a bottle of wine and they apologized to him. Since he already missed his connecting flight that day because he slept a little too long, the airline also gave him a hotel room for the night and a 250$ voucher and told him to keep quiet about the matter. When he went to the press about it, the airline got mad and told the press that it could not have been the flight attendants fault because she couldn't control when people slept on the plane and he was a sound sleeper. The airline did not get sued but Mr. Smith didn't think it was fair that the airline blamed him for it.
Over Thanksgiving break, there was quite the occurrence in a small town in Tennessee. Apparently, squirrels in Tennessee are thought to be very wild and dangerous because when one found it's way into a dollar store, it caused all sorts of chaos.
ReplyDeleteAfter the squirrel found it's way into the dollar store, people acted in a questionable manner. The first thing that people did was completely flip out because of this squirrel. Maybe I find this unusual because being from upstate New York, squirrels are every common and I do not find them in any way scary or harmful. I'm guessing they aren't very common in Tennessee. After all this chaos was caused because of this squirrel, animal control was eventually called to get this squirrel out of the store. Turns out, animal control didn't end up being very much help. After awhile, frustration settled in with people within the town. This ended up with a highly questionable act from a police officer. He decided to take matters into his own hands. You'd think that a police officer would be calm and wouldn't have to use any weapons to get a little squirrel out of a dollar store. The police officer went into the store with his gun that he carries and when he saw the squirrel, he shot at the creature. He shot so many times that nobody knew the exact amount of the shots fired. This was a highly questionable act in my opinion. The police officer probably damaged the store and may have put people in danger. After all this chaos was over, the police officer admitted that what he did was wrong and was eventually fired from his job.
I find this news article very comical. When I think of a squirrel, I do not think of a harmful, scary creature. Squirrels are very common where I live and how people reacted in Tennessee is very funny. Thankfully, no one was hurt because of the police officer's crazy act.
Yesterday when we got all the snow there were people who went down to go skiing at Greek Peak. They went for two week but when they were gone their house down in new york city got broken into. Went they got home they called 911 and the cops came very fast. The robber took their TV all the video games systems that their son had all the games controllers, and all the jewelry from the house. A few weeks after they filed the report about him the cops got a call for a bank robbery. when they got there the robber was gone. So they asked the bank for the camera footage also the people forgot to tell the cops about the cameras they had. So the cops got the tape and compared it to the one from the bank tape. It was the same guy at the bank and at the house. They were looking for him and again he robbed another bank. When the cops got there the robber was still inside. The cops told the robber to come out with your hands on your head. The robber stayed inside. So the cops started to shoot at the building but come to find out the robber snuck out the back of the bank and took off. So when the cops stopped shooting they sent the SWAT team in and they said the building was empty. They started to search the bank for clues and they found the robbers fingerprints on the register. They took the fingerprints to the lab and they found where the robber lived in NYC. So they went to the house and bursted in and arrested him and they found all the stuff that he robbed from the house in his apartment and returned it to the people.
ReplyDeleteBREAKING NEWS- On the night of Saturday, December fourteenth, the zombie apocalypse began! Scientists were experimenting with a new genetic disease, zombiratica, in New York City when someone dropped a beaker of the disease. The scientists thought that it could only spread through contact so it should be easy to stop from spreading anymore, but it is very hard to escape the zombies so it spreads quickly. The disease infected one person at first, the one who dropped the beaker, then that person got the whole building infected. It caused everyone in the building to become zombies. Signs and symptoms of zombiratica are flesh cravings, groaning, the breaking off of limbs, super strength, rotting flesh, and having a severe limp when walking.
ReplyDeleteThey then began to infect everyone in the city. It was complete chaos. Everyone was trying to escape the zombies and leave the city in desperate attempts to survive. Anyone who wants to survive this outbreak needs to evacuate immediately. The zombies aren't slow like people may think. They can run at up to speeds of fifteen miles per hour. Anyone who is within two hundred miles of New York City needs to evacuate. The zombies will be one hundred miles away from the city by nine o'clock tonight.
The president recommends that everyone go to a family member’s house that is far away from the infected area. The farther away you are the safer you will be. Before you are leave you will have to pass through a health check the CDC has setup to stop the spread of the potential epidemic. You will just have to walk through a gateway to see if you have been exposed to the disease. More than likely you will be fine.
For right now the disease is contained. There has been a metal fence installed to keep all of the zombies from infecting anyone else, for now.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis just in! A male has just given birth to a baby. This is the first time in history this has ever happen. It is completely defining the laws of nature.
ReplyDeleteThe baby boy was a whole five lbs and twenty inches. The baby is very unstable and is not healthy at all. It is very unlikely that this baby will live. The doctors at the hospital are doing their best to keep it alive.
When the man came into the hospital, he said he was having stomach problems. He was in the waiting room, and then he started to yell in pain and was acting like he had to have a bowel movement. When a nurse took him to a bathroom and he sat down to release the stress, there was a huge pain. He sat there and pushed for a good half hour, a nurse came in and he asked for help. She then took him to a room and had him put a gown on. When the doctor was examining him, he notices what looked like placenta near the patient’s rectum. The doctors then gave the man an ultrasound on the man’s gluteus maximus. While looking at the ultrasound they noticed there was a baby that was about to be born.
They doctors and nurses immediately rushed the man to the emergency room. None of the people there knew what to do. They doctor then decided to increase the size of sphincter (anus). After fourteen hours of excruciating pushing the miracle child came out. The baby was skinny and hardly living. If the man waited any longer to go to the doctors, there would have been no chance for it to live. They immediately put it in special care and now it has a chance. The doctors then put stitches on the anal opening of the man.
This will forever be remembered in human history. It is one they will talk about for the ages.
Attention all humans! In many places around the world people have spotted walking and talking ducks. It seems as if they are training one another in the following categories: running, swimming, climbing, flying, and jumping. They come in all different colors and sizes. These very skilled ducks are an amazing sight to see, but I warn you to not get to close!
ReplyDeleteIt is recommended that if you spot one of these majestic ducks that you stay at least a hundred yards away. These ducks are the fastest things we have ever seen. One was clocked on a police officers speedometer and the speed showed as an error because it flew by so fast. The ducks are not the friendliest things either, and will attack to kill. Seven people have been found slain by force of pecking. While the ducks aren’t killing people, they seem to enjoy racing one another in extreme regions. They have been seen racing in the ocean, swamps, deserts, the arctic, and even the mountains.
The strongest duck that we haven’t seen lose a race is Bevis the almighty. Bevis is a level one hundred in all of the training aspects. He looks as if he is a god out there while he is racing. He is a flaming red duck and wears a masculine tutu. It’s strange for our eyes to see, but is a great honor in the duck world. If any other duck beats Bevis it will be because someone has killed him. Bevis has trained since he was a little duckling back in 365 B.C. He is the best and most interesting duck to every roam the surface of Earth. Bevis will be remembered for centuries to come.
Deposit Resident Arrested for Suspicion of Murder
ReplyDeleteOn December 4, Binghamton police arrested a woman on suspicion of attempted murder. Barbara Emerson, who works as a customer service representative for a company, was heard by a coworker, who has chosen to remain anonymous, have a polite conversation with a customer, slam down the phone and yell, “I hate people!” The coworker called the police because numerous times he had heard her angrily muttering to herself and worried she was going to kill someone.
Ms. Emerson had worked for the company for almost eight years. She repeatedly told him that she didn’t like the position she had and wished she would go into the accounting department. Numerous phone calls with customers had ended in angry silence after the phone was hung up and when questioned by police, she said that the final straw was when the company fired an accounting person and instead of hiring inside the company, they brought in someone completely new. Ms. Emerson admitted she took the job as household relocator after the last person left almost five years ago. She explained that a household relocator calls people who are moving and does as much as possible to make the move from one home to another as smooth as possible. She told police that she didn’t like the constant interaction and people who think that even though they have never done what she does, they still know more about it than her. The phone call causing her arrest was one such customer. She also didn’t like the drama of the job.
Police also questioned Ms. Emerson’s daughters. They said that their mother came home very stressed because of her job and the happiest she had ever been was when she had been in the accounting department. “She has repeatedly told us how much fun numbers are when we complain about math homework,” said her younger daughter. “She just doesn’t like working there. She went for interviews but never got any of them and she is really unhappy about it.”
Ms. Emerson was released from police custody after a thorough psychological evaluation. No psychological evidence was found that Ms. Emerson would ever kill anyone. She has been given three days off work to get her mind together.
This just is! In our very own tiny town in New York a woman has given birth to a live gorilla. This is a magnificent scientific discovery. This could change the face of the universe. Everywhere people will be asking the question, “Can I have a gorilla baby?”, and the answer, (pause for effect), stay tuned to find out.
ReplyDeleteIt proves many things. One, that a gorilla has the ability to produce offspring with humans, two that a woman has been cheating on her husband clearly with this gorilla, and three that this woman has a thing for animals that has gone just too far. What you guys at home are most likely thinking is how she got a hold of this gorilla. Well the authorities believe she encountered him at the zoo then became deeply in love with the gorilla name Jack. Later that night she went to the zoo and stole Jack! She then brought him to her apartment where, well, you know what happened next.
So this lady gave birth to a male baby gorilla at precisely three o’clock this morning. The father was not present as had a banana to eat. Then the woman’s husband showed up very confused. He heard his wife was giving birth and he thought it was his. But to his surprise the baby was a gorilla. The couple then proceeded to get divorced and the man moved away.
Scientists world wide have been trying to find out how in the world this happened. They did research and discovered that the DNA of the woman and the gorilla were so close they were able to produce an offspring. But the most tragic part of the story is that the gorilla had to be put down, the baby had to go to a shelter, and the mother was put into an insane asylum because authorities thought it was to strange for a woman to have an animal offspring with another animal. This brings up another question. In today’s society why can’t love conquer all? No matter how strange or kind of love it is? In this reporters eyes, that their love should have been allowed to prosper.
Breaking news pool owner at motel call 911 because a man staying at the hotel was swimming in the pool. He saw that the pool had a vaccum like thing to help filter the pool and he thought he could get a freebee. The caller tells the 911 operator that the man has his parts stuck in the pool and cant get them out. He needs the paramedics to come and help the man get his parts out of the pool so he won’t loose them.
ReplyDeleteWho in there right mind would ever stick there parts in the poop to get a freebee. I thin k that this man is crazy and he should be put in a home to help him figure out how to do things better in life. First if I was this guy I wouldn’t do this in a public place like a pool, at least do it on you own property. What would ever make a person do this in the first place, like why would you ever want to embarrass yourself in front of people. Why would you ever want to do this in the first place wouldn’t you think that people May think your weird.
People these days can be just crazy and do the most outrageous things that you can ever think of. We as people are very special in how we go around doing things. But if people weren’t the way that they are then things wouldn’t be as funny as they are today. So in a lot of ways im happy that people can be as stupid as they are so thank you people for acting the way that you act.
A man of an unnamed location has decided to post on a website his goal to create an army of possums. Sounds crazy right? But these are the exact words he had said “My goal is to capture and train around 40,000 possums to create a possum army capable of defending me and attacking anyone I dislike.
ReplyDeleteI believe this dream is within my grasp, I just need some funds to help me out”
The man did admit that this wouldn’t be easy and that there would be many different challenges. Though the man is still feeling very confident about his goal. “The main challenge will be developing specialized guns for the possums to use. Possums lack opposable thumbs and therefor will need claw friendly firearms, which I will source from overseas. Also we will need to develop drugs to make the possums braver in the heat of battle. Possums are quite often scared by noise, light or just someone walking calmly past them, so it’s important the rage drugs be strong enough to combat this.” Said the man.
I’m sure you guys are wondering how he plans on making his army. The truth is you can help. “The full $135,000 will be used in rounding up and sending the possums to a military academy. The possums will undergo 12 mths of intensive combat training. They will learn to master their natural defenses, also karate and weapons training.” Said the unknown man. Shockingly he said that statement with the most confidence. So far $10,075 has been donated.
I’ve interviewed several people. Every person I asked said they would prefer to remain anonymous. One of them laughed and said “ People are getting crazier as the days go by.” Another said “I like that man’s imagination. This could show people to keep their minds set on things and to never give up no matter how silly the thing is.”
Tiarra.A.Laurino
ReplyDeleteMr.T
English
12/16/2013
Breaking news! On Wednesday, November 24th, there was an anaconda on the loose and it devoured a person. The snake escaped from the reptile truck that was being transported to the Bronx Zoo.
Twenty year old, John Michael was taking a nap in an Englewood, NJ park. As he slept under a tree the anaconda was strolling around the park. First it ate a squirrel and then most likely it was still hungry. So the snake slimily and disgustingly slithered towards its pray, John Michael. Michael who was unconscious due to a long night on the town, was completely unaware of what was about to happen. The snake approached its prey and started to ingest him. The snake dislocated its jaw in order to digest this person. As the snake had him waist high, John Michael woke up and began to struggle trying to get out. However, he epically failed to get out because he was still drunk and uncoordinated and couldn’t move very well. He began to scream when he realized what was going on.
Bystanders heard him screaming and ran to the noise. When they got to him they saw the hair of his head sticking out of the snake’s mouth. There was nothing they could do to help him.
The zombie apocalypse has started and people have nowhere to go. The only people left alive are a small group of people. Tyler, Nik, Willy, Bob, a dog named Max and a girl named Kate. They were walking around down town Manhattan and all of a sudden they heard a scream. When they turned to look where the scream was coming from they had noticed someone getting eaten by a zombie. As they went to run away the zombie must have smelt them because it looked right at them. When they went to run the zombie got up and started to chase them. They were all carrying a weapons with them at the time. Kate had a baseball bat, Tyler the city boy had a knife, Nik had an axe, Willy had a golf club, and Bob had a shovel. When the zombie ran up behind them Kate turned and swung at its head. Her first swing and she killed it. Latter they went into a store to get some food and of course there were zombies there. Knowing there were, they all went in the store and killed them off anyways. Tyler shanked one in the throat and kicked it in the face while Willy stood there laughing. Kate, Bob and Nik chased this little fat one around for a while throwing rocks at it and Bob started beating it with his shovel. It was a lot of fun! Later that night they found a huge truck on the side of the road so they stole it and drove back home. Back home was the only place zombies didn’t exist. The only safe place was their town. Luckily they got back home in time because the people of the town were starting to close it off.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMadison Linkroum
Mr.Tombasco
English 10
12/16/13
Dennis the Menace of Deposit is at it again! Edwin K. Linkroum (a.k.a. Dennis the Menace) is up to his usual shenanigans. If you see a blonde, pasty white kid, grab him!
Eddie has run away from school. Yes you read it right, he ran away from school. He said he enough of school and his teacher, Mrs. Andresen. Mrs. Andresen is a very nice lady and teacher. Who would ever want to run away from her class?
It was towards the end of the school year in third grade, and Eddie Linkroum felt he had enough of school. He walked out of Mrs.Andresen's room and ran out of school. He then ran home and called and left a message on her voicemail. A few minutes later the school called his mom they said “Eddie has ran away from and we are looking for him. We will let you know when we find him.” Jeannette, Edwins mom, replied with “ Do you seriously think I’m work knowing my child is missing? You must be crazy, I’m comin home now.”
Here with us is Madison, one of Eddies sisters. Reporter: “ How did you feel when you were told that your brother was missing?” Madison: “ Well… I was kind of worried and kind of mad. I remember being called out of social studies and going downstairs being scared that I was in trouble. Then my aunt Kathy said “ Hurry up your brother ran away from school.” Reporter: “ Wow must have been scary.” Madison: “ Kind of. I remember going home and seeing a lot of people at my house. So many cops at my house. Mr. Richards (principal at the time) was also at my house. He got bit by our mean cat, Sadie, or as we call her Satan. Some people from the fire department came with the heat seeker,and did not find him. Cops looked everywhere in our house.It was a mad house.” Reporter:” Wow! Where did you find him?” Madison: “ I went on my bike riding around town looking for him. When i came home someone told me that he hid under our porch. He said that he was afraid to come out because he thought he was going to get shot or tasered.” Reporter:” Wow! Your parents must have been worried.” Madison:” They were and kind of mad at him too.” Reporter:” Thank you for interviewing with us.” Madison:” You’re welcome.”
And there you have it, the story of Edwin running away from school. A few days later he ran out of his classroom and hid in the bathroom. When someone asked who he was he used another kids name. Lukily for Eddie he got to skip the last few days of school.
An Oklahoma man is being held on suspicion of murdering his stepfather by giving him an "atomic wedgie," officials said.
ReplyDeletePolice said Brad Lee Davis got into a drunken family fight with his stepfather in which he grabbed the man’s underwear, pulled it over his head, and suffocated him with the waistband.
Davis’ stepfather, 58-year-old Denver Lee St. Clair, was found dead at his home in McLoud, Okla., on Dec. 21. Davis was arrested on Tuesday, Shelly Dixon, first deputy clerk at Pottawatomie County Court, told NBC News.
The affidavit said the defendant "grabbed St. Clair's underwear and gave him an 'atomic wedgie.'" It adds that "Davis allegedly pulled the elastic waistband of St. Clair's underwear over his head and around his neck."
Police allege that the men got into a fight while drinking together when St. Clair made offensive remarks about his wife, who is Davis' mother.
St. Clair was killed by blunt force trauma to the head and asphyxiation, according to the state medical examiner.
Davis appeared in court Wednesday and is being held without bond in Pottawatomie County. He will appear again Jan. 22.